Tuesday, December 16, 2014

You- me, and a cup of coffee

She checked herself in the mirror for the last time. Yes, her hair is perfect the backless is giving her curves the perfect aura she wanted. It was a big day for her. She knew what she wanted and she knew why and how. She didn't believe in the Fairytales and for her it was important to be with somebody who can charm her on bed. No she hated certain trilogy but she loved the way Mr. Gray made love with his girl. She knew she was hoping for too much and all she wanted to have little bit of fun.

He checked the fuel indicator in his car. He was fascinated by the idea of making love inside a car. After all, he loved titanic (who doesn't love it)! He checked his pocket to make sure he didn't forget the condoms. He does not want to spoil the fun. 

A lot can happen over coffee, but they both were waiting for the coffee to be over. 

After 3 years-

Getting ready for the wedding, he smiled at himself. He planned his honeymoon trip to the land of romance- Paris. He couldn't thought of starting their journey of togetherness from anywhere else. With the time approaching he felt the happiness and nervousness both inside.

She was busy editing the pictures as her photo exhibition was almost there. She won't get the chance to work in Paris and she does not want to spoil the Honeymoon trip. Last 3 years, she thought was wonderful, full of ups and down and many breakups. Everytime the make up sex was better than the previous one. She didn't realize she was blushing.
She feared that marriage will kill the charm but... Suddenly, it was time to get ready for the wedding, she realized. She smiled! Well, a lot can still happen over coffee she hoped for, so did he!

The Closure



I had to kill you!

Everyday with the growing suffocation I felt like sinking in a deep, dark sea. I had to escape from there. Survival, you see, the toughest thing and I knew I only had one option to choose from.

The day I first got to know about you, I felt a certain tremor inside. I felt the pain in my heart that soon I have to decide. I thought if I try I could love you, but you know all those things they write in books and magazines are fake and no matter I hard I tried I couldn't like you a bit.

Everyday I felt you inside me and everyday my hatred grown bit by bit.
You reminded me of a lot of things that I wanted to forget. 
Your existence was painful for me, my dreams and my wings.
Yes, your existence was like chopping off my wings and I could never accept that.

I wish I could control my anger and frustration towards you. Really?, No, actually I wish for no such things. I never wanted you to be a part of my life and I did not want you to have such a "love-less" life to start with. 

I know you might call me selfish, may be I am. But it is my life, and you would never be able to get the love you need from me. I wanted to free you from that lifelong pain.

You know, I had nobody to reason with, and may be, may be you would understand my reasons...or may be my words sound like meaningless justification to you or may be I am a selfish person looking for some closure with you to get rid of my guilt....may be, may be....

May be some memories are better left locked and thrown away---my unborn child.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The curve on her face...


He saw the taxi and knew he had to hide.
He didn't want her to see him. Even after these many years he still couldn't gather the courage to come in front and fake the smartness.

He saw her black stilettos making sound on the footpath while her manicured hand was busy keeping the highlighted strands of hair away from her eyes. She looked gorgeous.

He knew she would throw a disgusting look to the lift-man for not getting the elevator on time and once she will reach on 17th floor she will not get the door keys at once. He knew he had to reach there before her and he took the back stairs.

He saw someone was keeping the lift busy in one of the floors; he silently opened the door and locked it again from inside. The darkness he found comforting. After all some works can only be done in darkness. He made no sound, he didn't move anything. His hand was feeling heavy but he couldn't leave it anywhere. His job is nearly done and it is just a matter of few minutes now.

He always knew she was different but last few months things went beyond reconciliation. He knew about this trip of hers and he knew what he wanted. Today was the day.

The door clicked…..
BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

The big balloons popped…
The lights turned on…
Happy Birthday Honey!!!!.......


The horror in her eyes suddenly replaced with a warm smile just exactly how he wanted it before piercing the heavy knife through her heart… The smile remained in the lips, horror in her eyes…

Monday, September 22, 2014

Durga Pujo in Kolkata- 5 days of Life :)

When I got this request of writing something on Durgapujo it made me nostalgic as always. They say life changes with time but when it comes to Durgapujo in the City of Joy- nothing really have changed in last couple of decades. Yeah, then I used to hop from one pandal to another holding my Mom’s hand and with family and now there is the loved one and friends but the essence of Kolkata has remained just the same. Junk food, chitchat, new dresses, excitement, pandal hopping and forgetting worries for those five days- this quite sums up the feeling.

Last year I made a promise to myself that no matter what this DurgaPujo I will be there in Kolkata. Checked the calendar by the end of last year and set the reminders so that we could book the tickets successfully for the festival and yes, we are going to city of joy to enjoy the festival of all festivals this year.


When you stay outside of the "city of joy" what you do not get is how involved we feel with the whole festival and not just any one pujo. It is not just pandal hopping or meeting new people but it is something that makes us look forward to those five days. From the poor to the rich everyone feels happy and connected and at the end everyone feel sad to bid adieu the Goddess and her family.

It is not sentimental or foolish of us when some people cry on “Vijaya Dasami”, it just shows how much they loved these few days and how much they look forward to this festival.


DurgaPuja is the extravagant festival but in other sense it is the epitome of “Hope”.

It is easy to criticize it by calling it extravaganza or pandal hopping but it is not really tough to feel the essence inside. All you need is to open up your heart a bit.

The bhog, the sound of dhak, the late night pandal hopping, the junkfood, balloons, and lighting- everything makes Durgapuja a magical affair. Outside Kolkata in many places Durgapuja happens but there the essence is often missing. It is not dancing and singing that makes this festival so special but the feeling of joy that makes us laugh and cry both. It is not how many new dresses we have but how many moments of happiness we get in the end.

It is about eating bhog with everyone, sharing a few moments of laugh with everyone and just feeling happy from inside.


Do you feel irritated of crowd? Let me ask you a question aren't you a part of the crowd? Crowd is made of people like you and me and the fun is there when you just feel how everyone is happy about the festival. You don’t know them while standing in the crowded street but you overhear a few lines and realize how they reflect your feelings.


You think Kolkata DurgaPujo is all about pandal hopping? Then you just do not get it and can never get it. It is about the madness in Maddox square and the different colors of the coconut trees and asking friends to come there and have long chit chat sessions. It is about meeting new people and making new friends without being judgmental or shrewd. It is about giving the street children a few extra rupees so that they can also feel a moment of happiness.


It is just five days, short lived but long enough to spur some hope inside everyone to look forward to something.
Close your eyes, feel the smell in the air- can you? Yes, that is the smell of DurgaPuja we all have grown up with and away from the city of joy that is the smell I sometimes miss amidst the concrete jungle.



5 days of hope...
5 days of fun...
5 days of life...


Dear Goddess- we are coming home :)

Friday, September 05, 2014

It's a Wonderful Life



He looked at the table and again he did not like the set up.
This was the 5th time and he still did not like any bit of it. It is just half an hour to 9 and he looked flustered.

He knew he had to say this on that night and that is why the setup needs to be just perfect.

Half an hour later everything was perfect. The peppy and foot tapping movie songs in his phone speaker, the black table cloth with the red rose and red wine perfectly placed upon... she couldn't ask for more.

He saw the sparkle in her eyes again and the blush even her beautiful hair couldn't hide the blush on her cheek. He loved to just look at her.

She felt the Goosebumps again and her hands started trembling. She couldn't believe somebody could make such great arrangement for her, JUST FOR HER!

He knew the perfect moment was it. He looked in her eyes and read what was written there.
The kiss was tender, rough, gentle, lousy and Passionate.

She looked at him, gasping.
He looked at her, thinking.

Was the passion lost? Did they really lost it amidst of all achievements and expectations? Did they really lost it before that moment?

The song changed in the mobile playlist as if to remind him the next step…

Going down on the knees ….to ask her to be with her for the lifetime…
Her wrinkled hand trembled… The big diamond shone in her hand…

He just whispered…  “Happy 35th anniversary Sweetheart…” 

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Humanity- Lost


She died and he couldn't do anything.

He was thrown away from the shared cab with broken ribs and twisted hands. She was thrown with a lifeless body with no strings.

They saw but they had to use their mobile, to show the face of the society so they clicked them- the assaulted boy and the raped girl.
He wanted to cover her- they asked him who is she your girlfriend or Sister?
They wanted to know how did they rape her or was she gang raped?
He lost his senses.

Later he read  -"how a boyfriend fought to save her girlfriend and got assaulted".

1 Month later- He saw them in front of India Gate in a candlelight march.

He still couldn't say the truth that he didn't knew that girl.
He couldn't say he just wanted to save her.

He couldn't say they were just strangers- two “Human beings”.


Monday, August 11, 2014

Death of a soul



The second slap was harder…
The faceless monster got the face.


She wanted to cry hard. She wanted to shout but she couldn't… She didn't.
Pinned on the table she looked at the ceiling and craved for an earthquake. But not all wishes come true. She wished for the ceiling to come crashing down and that didn't happen either. The ravaging continued for some more time till she lost her consciousness. She couldn't see beneath the mask.

She did not want to die, so she chose his filthy touch instead of the sharp knife. She lived, her soul died…

It was 3 years back………She was a "rape victim"...the rapist was unidentified and henceforth was another common man...

3 days back-
Like many others marriage was the dream in her eyes too...
His touch made her shivered.
She choked with the force he entered into her.
She wanted to feel ecstatic....but

She suddenly realized why her being a rape victim didn't matter to her husband….

The two slaps on his cheek couldn't erase her pain and trauma….
She knew she had to go...

She cannot live her whole life with her "Rapist"





Wednesday, August 06, 2014

The other side....


-Who are you?

-They call me the Angle of Death

-But you are so Beautiful! How could you be death!

- That is because you are at the verge of the other side...  Do you feel any pain?

- I am just feeling a supersonic sound. Actually I am not feeling anything... What is the other side?

- You will see soon when you will be there... From your side your emotions make the other side look dark..  But that is not how it is... And I am here to take you out.

- Am I dead?!!! Is this how it feels? Is this the other side??? 

- You are still alive... At the verge of the other side...  you will see that soon …

-How does it feel? Like a Boom!!

- Nah, no boom...  just a click... May be... 

- Just a click? That’s it? Wouldn’t I feel any pain? Wouldn’t I be able to see my family? My daughter????? Have you seen her ?  She must be there outside.

-I don’t see things I have no work with

-But.. but she is my daughter and..

-And it won’t matter…nothing will matter at the other side. ..

- Not even my daughter? My family? I won’t matter to them?

- No idea, but they won’t matter to you anymore there..you won’t see them, you won’t miss them.. you won’t have the solidify state for that..

- But I want to matter, because they matter….and….and I feel light…lighter… where am I?

- You are now stepping at the other side…you are out of your body now. It is time for you to come with me. . I told you nothing will matter here…

- But I didn’t hear any “Click”..and I want to see all the last time…it is so cold, cloudy…as if…


-As if you are far away among the clouds…yes, you are…and see they didn't matter…they don’t matter… not anymore….welcome to the other side....  

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

RIP Humanity


I don't really post on current affairs and political news. But this time I am making an exception. 

Few days back I saw somebody posted on Facebook that people are so bothered with Gaza that they forgot about “Kargil Day”. I couldn’t agree with it. As far as I can remember I was in 8th standard when Kargil war happened. It was terrible and even though any social networking sites weren't there we were all updated through the news channels and news papers.
However, we can let it rest in peace and in the past now.
On other hand, any war is the excuse of mass murder. Be it in Israel, Palestine, India, and Afghanistan or in any country.
Water, border, rights of the refugees- it seems Israel and Palestine have decided to not to agree on peace at all.
The only power plant was hit yesterday by shelling.
The pictures are all over the internet.
They are scary…
They make me believe that humanity is truly lost...
By the name of self defense what is happening there can be named as Mass Murder. I am sorry if I can find out any other term right now.


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

When the sea came roaring...



The storm outside her window was becoming ferocious. A storm was going on inside her heart too. She tried to concentrate on the book but the words started jumbling up in front of her eyes. She gulped down the remaining whiskey from the glass and decided to go out in the balcony. She wanted to feel the roars of the wind and to forget everything for some time.

She always wanted to be a free soul. She always wanted to be detached from everything and everyone. Exploring the world like a traveler was all she wanted and till now she was doing just that!!

It was a stormy night when she decided to end it all and choose her life. His broken heart, the sparkling diamond ring on the floor and the unborn love child that never came into the world- She left everything behind and never looked behind. It's been 15 years.

His touch was still same as was his smell. They made wild love to erase the 15 years from between them. It was then his crooked smile and voice that told her that he has AIDS!! And that his revenge was taken.

She felt her wings chopped off.   

His body was then lying in the hotel room in a pool of blood when the siren started blowing.
She looked at the rising sea level. It looked like thousands of octopuses were coming to get everything at the shore.

Somewhere the next day The Breaking news said-


“The terrible Tsunami washed away everything in the small island. Thousands died in the shore, houses and hotels. Thousands others not found yet.”

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The "Fallen"


She ignored the bruises on her face. The brunches were making more. She knew those bruises are nothing compared to what she was running from. She had to run for her life.

Darkness has its own characteristics. Even though she always feared darkness that night it was her only friend. She was running from the light.

She never realized that her “God” could be this cruel. She always believed in God. She thought God spreads love and love can never be wrong. Nobody told her to not to love outside her religion.

She heard how they torn apart the clothes from her sister’s body while she was going to school. She still had faith on her God.

And then the shining dagger took the life away from her beloved. She could not cry; she had to run.
She had to save the child. The child she was carrying inside her womb…

The dawn was near....so was the crowd behind her...

She still had faith in her God…

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

From Spring to Ashes



The night was growing old and her eyes were still wide open. The kohl is now smudged and the red lipstick is no more there. The calling bell never rang.

She waited till it was dawn and then she slept there.

It was raining that night. The champagne worked on him. His eyes all over her and the sparkle in his eyes was enough for her to take the next step. However, the restaurant was really not the place.
They kissed in the rain. Inside the cab they cared for no one. The cab driver looked in the mirror many times but they did not care.
His hand all over her, the warmth breath of his on her nape and the sensation all over her body- they craved for more and more.

She did not want it that day. It was late and the weather was bad. She thought of making it special. When he wanted to come in, she stopped him there. The next night she thought would be perfect.
Virginity was sacred and she wanted to wait for the right person and right moment to lose it to.

The right moment never came….
She was in his thought, when the high beam of the opposite truck made him blind. He felt nothing afterwards…..
It’s been 2 yrs! She is still waiting…
Wearing makeup, lighting candles…


The calling bell never rang!!






Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Poison Ivy


He looked back at the crossroad through the car window. He never really thought he has to cross this path in his life and now when he did, he is feeling numb.

The scent of women, the silky smooth skin has always been his drug. He always felt better and energized after playing with a young women’s body. It was his driving force.  Even at this age he felt proud of his body and how he still excites the girls who are half age of his.

The red light is still on and the huge traffic jam in front strangely didn’t disturb him anymore. He has all the time now.

He thought about last night. Her silky smooth brown skin and black shoulder length hair made her look like a goddess. With every thrust he could see her pain and yet she didn’t give in. She urged for more and more. He became a demon and ravaged her. Her magical scent drove him crazy. Her kohl smudged eyes took him to another world altogether. All these years he almost forgot that animal inside him still exists.

The light turned yellow. With that growing and burning chest pain he looked at the photograph and the note behind again.

It was her photograph with her mother that she intentionally left behind.
The photograph shocked him.


He knew her mother!!!!!!!!!!!

Many years back, they knew each other… "well”. The scent of her body once drove him nuts. Her eyes once took him to another world. A few nights of togetherness and a few nights of wild lovemaking is all he could remember.

A line was written on the backside of the photo.

“Happy Father's Day Dad. Hope you liked the gift last night”


With the growing pain on chest, his world suddenly went Black. The traffic light has turned Green now.


Thursday, June 05, 2014

Are you Connected?


Technology was supposed to bring us all closer.
Well, I have 400+ friends on facebook- if you can call that coming closer to so many people at once.
I keep updating my status on facebook multiple times in a day.
I love sharing pictures on Instagram. I love talking non stop on Twitter.
However, still at the end of the day I sometimes feel lonely.
And when I wonder- I find out, that I am not really getting closer to most people.
There is a void I sometimes feel inside.
But then, staying away from home, staying away from friends- You need a medium to be in touch always.
I am always connected with people via whatsapp, Facebook or Twitter using my phone and Tab.
Few days back I was checking a new tablet.
I just realized- it is the obsession of staying connected that drives me
I realized it is the obsession to know about the news and what’s happening around the world-
I realized it is the obsession to find myself in the cyber world that drives me…
May be it is not bringing people closer really…
But Virtually it is…
I am happy with that…
I am happy with the tech savvy tag that I got.


Wings of Life...



Late nights, beer, music, success, sex, gossip…
He was getting bored of everything…
All of it…
Faces started to becoming unknown to him.
The masks are now falling off.
He was tired of fighting.
With himself.
With his parents.
With his wife.
He was scared.
He was scared of society.
He was scared of future.
He was scared of humiliation.
He felt trapped.
Forever.
The "lady" inside him was crying.
His couldn't let it come out.

The downfall from the 17th floor suddenly seemed the only solution to him….

test post

test post...

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

~Lady in Black~


She could see them…
Making love and cozying up in each other’s arms.
Little did they know about the future and they did not worry.
She took a step forward.
Her black lacy dress felt like black clouds.
She saw their little puppy playing with the colorful ball.
She felt pity.
Pity isn't really her nature.
They looked through her.
Her fingers clenched.
Her eyes twinkled.
The puppy started barking.
The couple left the bed to see outside.
She knew this is the time…
She felt pity for the puppy.
But it is not the ideal time…
She has more important work to do…

Kill…


Her name is “Death”….

Monday, May 19, 2014

The unconscious!














What kind of a room is this??
I cannot see any door…
I do not even remember how have I ended here!!

Where is it??
Am I dead?
What happened to me??

The dim blue light is making me sick!
There is a small round table in the middle.
With a teapot and cup. Black.

Should I drink it?
I am thirsty.
I might already be dead!

Dead!!
Dead!!!
Am I??

NOO, I can’t be…
Let’s drink it…
There was a cricking sound I can hear…Some movement in front of me…

There is someone!!! No, Some people…
Aahhhh….ME!! all of them are me!!
I must be losing my sanity, these are just mirrors!!

Why am I in a mirrored room!!
I think the tea would make me feel good.
Am I dreaming!!!

How all my shadows are walking, dancing and looking at me??!!
I feel somebody!
Somebody behind!!

WHAT'S HAPPE…………………………………………!!!!

Friday, May 09, 2014

D.I.A.R.Y- Dear I’ll Always Remember You




You!!

Right in front of me!!
From the long lost memories!!!
The pages were burnt!!
The pages that I took the pain to burn off!!
The pages that were lost!!!


You!!
My diary!!
18!!!
The age to be vulnerable!!
The age to be immature!!
The age to love!!
The age to get the heart broken!!
Yes, 18!!!
I poured my heart out in you.
I cried in front of you!
I conspired with you!!

You saw…
You listened!!
You saw me killing myself!!
You said nothing!!
You were my secret!!
My sweet little secret!!
You were my friend!!
My trusted friend!!

And then you are right here in front of me!!
After so many years!!
Black, maroon, green and red!!
The pages, the secrets, the tears!!
Time to burn them all again!!
Bury them with all the words, hidden inside.
My Diary-
Dear I’ll Always Remember You!



Friday, May 02, 2014

Dark side


The room was dimly lit.
She couldn't see anything though.
Her hands were tied.
She felt dizzy. Confused.
The lizard from the ceiling was looking at her.
She was scared.
She had no idea, how did she end up there.
Her body was aching but she couldn't move.
Her legs were tied too.
She heard a sound and somebody entered the room.
The touch in her legs scared her.
She couldn't see the face.
Her legs are untied now and the hand between her legs made her feel sick.
She couldn't shout. Her lips felt sore.
She felt the disgusting touch in her whole body.
She wanted to die.
Death wasn't kind to her.
She got gang raped.
                                                *************************


In another world,
People said, the girl was too modern and character less and must have eloped.
Her would be groom smiled that no one noticed.
A whole family committed suicide.
They lost their daughter 2 days before her marriage.
She was gang raped.




Thursday, April 24, 2014

Backside...

Leaving the country was tough… he thought!
He couldn't stop frowning…4 yrs back he felt sad of leaving…
Now, he felt like an outsider…
The sweaty feel, the bumpy road, the cacophony and everything in the public bus was testing his patience…
The laptop bag was slipping from his shoulder again with another jerk and he decided to leave the midway and take a cab….
The journey from the middle of the bus to the doorway seemed never ending!
He was swearing silently just when he saw her….
He knew that floral print…
He knew that curly hair…
He knew…he felt he just knew.
He stopped!!
He watched her from behind, talking over the phone…
He heard her saying his name to somebody…
HIS NAME!!! What the…….
He took a step forward…and another one…
She got up, managing her floral kurta…
And he saw her face!!
It wasn’t her…
He took the step back…and smiled!!
It was never her…
Not now, not 4 yrs back…never…ever…
That known pang in the chest...But....
With that pang in the heart…the crowded bus suddenly felt comfortable…


Monday, April 21, 2014

Side effects of being a "She"

She was raped!!!
Multiple times- every day…
Nobody was there to listen…
Nobody was there to even complain…
Every day- every night- she stared
She stared to the ceiling…While her body felt the touch of another person
Touching her privates, pinching her, slapping her…
Her tears dried up…
Her clenched fist got harder on the bed sheet…
Her soul screamed!!
Her soul died a thousand times each time the other person entered her…rocked her…
She wanted to finish her studies…
She couldn’t…
And today she couldn’t take it more…
She ran away….
Just…to be gang raped!!
Her fault?? – She was born with vagina and boobs….
She is a “Girl”…
And she was also a Prostitute….
So, she shouldn't have any privacy of her…
She was not a girl…
She was a Prostitute….

Just a Prostitute…

Monday, April 14, 2014

Places to go before I sleep...

Say we were in Paris, in a smoky café.
 Loud music playing in the background, and a sexy singer on the stage.
You are sipping your whiskey and I am my red wine.
The red one shoulder dress of mine is similar to the color of the wine.
My red lipstick and smoky eyes are looking at you.
We are sitting just at the opposite of each other, I changed my legs. More skin show.
You opted for another peg.
Are you looking at my legs now?
My deep neck and my red lipsticks- they are looking for your attention…
Are we talking less, we should talk more then…
I hold your hand that was placed on the table…
“Let’s go out, let’s take a walk and enjoy the beauty of Seine…. Will you?”

The dream came to a sudden halt with a jerk…ouch…

Ohh, where are we??
It looks like Rio de Janeiro!!!
“girl, we are not in Paris, We are in Brazil!!
This is Copacabana beach, and the way you are getting sun tanned I want to make love to you now!"
But....
You seem distant.
You are looking at the water, but not actually seeing it.
Your red bikini and brown hair- I want you forever!
Let’s take a bath- a cozy and romantic bath…
Will ya??

Nah, let me take you to another place.
Close your eyes!!!

Open it now!!!
Is it…is it London??
Yeah, IT IS HARD ROCK CAFÉ!!
It’s noisy and crowded!!
I cannot see your eyes!!
You seem a little too corporate and formal!
The Martini in your hand….
The little black dress of yours…
No…
I cannot differentiate…
Is it you or somebody else!!
Another Swirl…..

A clear and windy day…
"Hey boy, I’m sure you like it now."

Far from the crowded café we are now in Prague.
This is the beautiful Golden lane.
Won’t you enter the Prague castle now?
This is just the place where you and I could stay forever…
Real forever….

Aaahhh… Another jerk….
Where are we now ?
Ssshhh….

Look at the messy people,
Their dirty cloths,
Their loud make up…
The polluted air…
The beautiful river…
The large white dome of GPO…
The warmth of people…
Let me kiss you…
Aahh, we cannot do that publicly…
Let us take a boat ride on the river Ganges…

We are in Kolkata!!

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

The questionnaire

I love walking alone…
It helps…
Every day I go back I see you, chained…
Chained with your baggage, chained with your memories…
Those black and snaky memories….
They look at me…
They make the hiss and shot me the dirty look… I hear…

1. Who do you think we are?
2. Who do you think you are?
3. Who is it that is chained with us?

I feel puzzled…
I don’t know where I am…
Everything is swirling…
I feel the cold snake skin against my skin…
I shivered…

4. Do we look scary?
5. Would you come to us?
6. Do you love us or hate us?

I struggle, unable to make any sound!!
I struggle hard to keep the memories away.
They keep coming closer.
The hissing sound is deafening now.

7. Going back, isn’t what you want?
8. Are you scared of looking forward?
9. Don’t you like the feel of coldness that we give to you?
10. Look at us, won’t you?

I struggle…and I struggle more to break the chain...
I manage to look up…
Aah, it was just a dream..
A bad dream, just like all the locked up poisonous memories.
There is no questionnaire of life…

I am looking forward….  Unchained and Free!

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Secret Lullaby

My hands are shaking.
I should avoid offering you any beverage.
Why did you come here? How did you get my address?
For years I have waited just for you.
You never showed up.
My life became a complete mess.
It’s been two decades. And you are here.
I can see your lips moving.
I cannot hear anything.
You are saying something.
Oh, water. You need water.
I should offer you something with that.
Your fingers touched mine.
No, I don’t remember the first touch anymore.
It’s been more than 25 years now.
That silver streak in your forehead is saying a lot.
I saw your book. I never bought it.
You look pale.
You need not apologize.
I lack mercy. You know that.
I am being normal. You are being smarter.
I don’t like smart asses.

I like snakes.
I have many, in my store room.
Their hissing sound makes the perfect lullaby for me. 
I feed them.
I feed them in the hope that one day you will show up.
Today, is the day…..

“Would you like to have some “flavored” tea??…aah, just as I thought. Let me make it for you then. You will love it.”.


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

HOMO- Sapiens

He heard his mom calling him again from downstairs. He knows everyone is expecting him in the hall but he couldn't move. He knows he needs to be there, after all it's his BIG DAY...His wedding..... He checked his mobile phone again. He couldn't delete the mail he just got. He closed his eyes.

                                                     ***************************

Hey sweets,

What’s up? I know you don’t want my messages or mails. I don’t know your number so this is the only way I have. I am not expecting a reply from you. I never intruded in your decisions and this time also I respect it. You know, there is that cute boy joined my office. I thought of taking him out for coffee but couldn’t approach. Saw your picture on Facebook on other day. Loved your t-shirt. Green suits you even though you hate it :-). Who was the girl with you? Is she the one you are dating now? You were surrounded by girls in some of the pictures. Never saw you like that so…… You know I almost cried... Well, No I did not. I am stronger than that.
After you left, I started working more. My event management company is now looking up. I know, you used to be the pragmatic one and I was always the emotional fool. And see, finally you made the fool of me. Never thought you will get married to any girl one day? Always thought, you could stand tall facing everything, every criticism on your way. Always thought, one day you will come back to surprise me again just like the old time…..
Saw your engagement pictures on Facebook, You were smiling. Were you? Really? How does it feel to be with a girl?

Don’t you miss me? Don’t you miss my hands playing with your hair. Don’t you miss our moments? Don’t you wear the blue shirt anymore? You look hot in that shirt, Always ;) ... Don’t you just wanna be with me? Would you call it off if I come in front of you on your wedding day?

Love.

P.S- Don’t worry. I am not coming. I still replay the moment we have shared. And also, I want to live again, collecting all the shattered pieces for that. Have a happy married life.


                                                     ***************************


He pressed the reply tab and then deleted it. He knows he has lost his love – the only love of his life forever. He couldn't be brave. He couldn't be a rebel. He accepted the fate his family decided for him. He accepted the girl they have chosen for him. He couldn't protest. He just couldn't gather his courage to do so......Because....

Homosexuality is still a crime.... 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Into the Vacuum

He was holding the postmortem report. Shocked!
                                                  -----***-----

I think I have had enough. Every day I cannot take blame for everything. It is not what I have hoped for. If you lack forgiveness then no one can cure that. You are not God. Do not pretend to be that. Your mistakes are justified because you come up with tear jerking excuses? And I cannot?
Every day for last many years, I was trying. Trying for new things to make you happy, trying to forget myself at times to make you happy. Trying to forget my happiness to make YOU happy! It just never seemed enough.
It’s not the gifts, it’s not the trips, it’s not anything else but you- that killed me. Sorry if I sound selfish but no one has the rights to slow poison me for so long. I haven’t got my life from you. So, you have no right to make me feel like this every day.
Every day I wanted to find out warmth in your eyes. Every day I ended up becoming colder and colder. But you weren't satisfied yet. Sadist? Yes, I think you are a Sadist. No matter how much I try you will continue to magnify your problems and continue to cause and induce more pain in my life.
Acting. Pretending. I am tired of all these. All I wanted is a home. I ended up under the cloudy sky with no shades over my head. It was never a home. You never let me make it one. You will never let me do that.
I am not taking anything from you. Yes, I am taking few things I have kept my soul in. Because you don’t need my soul or anything that is really “mine”. I was in dilemma for last 5-6 weeks. But finally, I decided to not to leave any part of me behind.
Happiness is a state of mind. You never understood that.

                                            ------***------
He got this mail from her 3 days back during a client meeting. The other news followed soon.

3 days ago-

The car was crashed badly. Hitting the rocky bottom after falling from 3000 ft mountain, one needs miracles to survive. Her luck was never that good. In that crushed car 3 books, 1 pen and her body was found. It looked like a bloody meat lump with some clothes on.

Present day,

He was standing with the post mortem report.

She never said that She was 6 weeks PREGNANT!

The Hospital corridor looked long and endless.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Painted Memories

The days of seeing yourself through someone else’s eye everyday…..
The days of feeling goosebumps with someone’s touch…..
The days of stealing few glances to your favorite person….
The days of anticipations….
-          Are the best days.
She saw herself like that every day...
She felt the sudden rush of blood whenever his name flashed on her mobile…
She spent hours to decide the outfit before meeting him…and then opted for the most easily available one from there…
He was her favorite person.

He was the perfect person- to her.
The tons of happiness he felt whenever she came to his sight….
The pinch of insecurity came along with that…
Her wondering eyes sometimes produced a strange pain inside his heart…
He knew her smell… He loved that…
Her lips made him many sleepless nights…
She was his favorite person…

Their wings got entangled with each other…
They traveled to the glittery and smoky pubs in Paris…
They traveled to each other's deepest darkest thoughts…
They scared each other…
They got scared of themselves…
They made love!
It was supposed to have a happily ever after!
He was looking at her picture!
That stabbing pain he felt again…
He closed that book and went back to reading the letter he recently got.


It was left in his favorite book that he couldn't check in last few years.
                                    ------------******-------------

It was more like a page from her personal diary than a letter.
He went through the words millions of times and still reading it.

"I never felt I could suddenly leave everything behind. I never felt anything wrong. That day when you started to fake that smile, I knew something was terribly wrong. I could almost see what’s there beneath the eyes. Even now I am in excruciating pain and I can see the anxiety in your eyes. I know you are wiping of the tears silently standing in the veranda so that you can come up with a smile in front of me. I am trying to have faith on your faith. But I want you to have faith in your belief. I cannot see that. Somehow I can feel the end, but I don’t want to. As I always used to say the journey of life is exhilarating, painful, definitely worthwhile and most definitely progressive. I have a feel that my journey is ending. You cannot hide the vacuum in your eyes through your smile. The way you clutch my hands during my sleep I know that touch. I still have belief in you. I don’t want you to lose the hope. Your hope and strength is my last resort. This might be the last page I am able to scribble on. I wanted this book from you so that I can read something while taking rest in this boring and dull sky blue hospital bed. They should make hospital more colorful you know. This shade of blue is boring and depressing. The pain is bothering me. Also, I know you will soon be here beside me once you finish talking to the doctor. Don’t know how long. Now I guess it does not matter whether I want to live or not. You must not forget to enjoy the exhilarating journey of life. As I always say, it is worth all the pain. If there is anything called afterlife most probably I will see you from there. Till then love yourself and don’t stop yourself from falling in love. With anything or anybody."

He shivered again. The scorching heat outside failed to provide him any warmth. He never failed anywhere. The pain of the biggest failure happened 6yrs back. He lost all hope. It was today he thought of rearranging the book shelf and suddenly touched the book he just kept there for last 6yrs untouched. He wanted to keep her touch sealed in that book. Today, this book suddenly played few scenes from the most painful memory of his. He decided to take a trip to the riverside to spend some time alone. 

                                                  --------********----------

Riverside never fails to make him connect with his sole. He once decided to not to bring the cigarettes there ever and he still follows that. The wet feeling in his toe suddenly bought him back to present. The cute little puppy said a lot with its round black eyes. He took it and then suddenly understood the meaning of love all over again. He took that cute little four legged creature home.


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Beneath the cold eyes

I cannot see anything…..Why did you call me here in this dark and mysterious wood?
Your hands seem cold….Mine is sweating… I don’t understand you sometimes…
I am not fond of darkness, I get scared…

I thought you planned for a romantic outing…this was not what I imagined!
Well, I didn’t imagine anything… I could not. Every time you came in front, my imagination stopped right there…  All my fantasies came true.

The first time I saw you, in that white dress… you were struggling with your unmanageable hair... I felt jealous of the breeze… your eyes were hiding behind your waye hair and all I could see was your lips. I wanted to touch them with mine… But… You looked distant…and suddenly you smiled at me!

Looking at you does not give me peace now… It somehow stirs the passion inside me… every day I feel more attracted to you… but you seem to have some other plans in mind… and finally I can now see your face illuminated of the moonlight… your eyes are still and you seem to be confident about where we are going…

I am not feeling well, I am chilled from within. I need to smoke.
I wonder whether I have ever told you about my fear of darkness!!!
WHY DID you stop here now!! I thought we are supposed to go somewhere little illuminated… This is insane!! You know INSANE!!!
Where are you!!! You did you leave my hand!!! I cannot even hear the sound of your breathing! Its cold here and…and  I feel something even colder around my legs!!!! … it’s moving upward…
Where are you!!!
WHERE ARE YOU!!!

WH… …… …………

Monday, January 06, 2014

3JUSBFBB383A

Parallel Universe

Say we were in London...nah Paris...in a smokey n rugged pub...Tourists? ummm yeah...
You are sipping the beer and looking at it intently.. Then you looked at me.. What did you see? Nothing. Your concentration went back to the mug full of beer again.

That fat and oddly dressed lady is looking at you. She is drunk. Why are you giving her a distasteful look? Ohh, you are looking at that singer. Yeah, She is beautiful. She sings pretty well too. 

What is there in your beer that you seem so interested in it? I am sitting right in front of you. Looking at you. You did not even notice that.. Ohh, you did. What are you saying? what am I looking at? well, err... nothing..

I placed my hand on the table for quite some time..it was within your reach. Did you see that? So, you are now reaching at the cigarette. I think I need one too.

What are you looking at? My cigarette? or the glass of wine? Did you see this new one shoulder dress I'm wearing? My red lips? The blackish blue kohl in my eye? or, the beer still appeals to you more?

Aah, here comes the cold coffee and sandwich for you. How did I imagine this place as a smokey pub in Paris? well, all I can say is my imagination is better than your silence and helps to kill the time in a better way. Your food has arrived and with that the end of this bizarre post too.

Saturday, January 04, 2014

End of a dream....and world!

…….And then I checked your mobile. Your inbox was empty.
I had to kill you.
I always feared that you would got hurt while cutting things with this knife. Now it seems handy for me to have my work done.
You made no sound.
The crimson liquid was getting soaked in the white bed sheet.
You still look beautiful.
Just an hour ago, when you were still sitting on my couch, sipping my glass of wine- I was looking at you.
I saw that spark in your eyes…I started undressing you… For the last time.
The luscious lips as always got all my attention- and other parts too.
I was searching in your body that you thought as exploring….
I was searching for a way to kill you… to free you from your burden…
I know you have made that call to them… they are coming to arrest me, to take me to unknown prisons.
I can hear their movement on the stairs now…2 more minutes…
You once said that you do not want to live after I die…
I fulfilled that wish… I freed you from that… I freed you from your consequences…
The footsteps are coming closer…
My time has come…
Click…click click… its EMPTY!!!! Where are the bullets??? Why did you hide them???? I need them…
The footsteps came to a halt….

KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!
“We know you are inside!!! Surrender yourself NOW!!! There is no way to escape from here…”