Tuesday, May 09, 2017

The educated (?)



Dear beloved,

I know you don’t want to read much of what I have to say, but I still need you to read, if you can.
It was the second Friday of October, and quite humid. I was thinking of taking a shower together once you come back and then go out and do some pub hopping.

The doorbell rang and I thought it was you, standing there with a smile on your face and twinkle in your eyes.
Surprise! It was you but your eyes didn’t have that twinkle and there’s blood on your dress and bruises on your arms!

You looked like, coming straight out of a nightmare, or may be still living in it. I couldn’t bring myself to believe whatever you were saying, and my brain and heart both were in denial. I forgot how to react or how to be there for you.

I felt ashamed, of everything, of everyone, of myself. You saw and knew what was going on inside my mind and you smiled and tried to comfort me.

I saw you shievering under your breath whenever the breeze used to move the curtains suddenly. I saw how your eyes often lost colours whenever the doorbell rang in odd hours. I saw it all but felt nothing. I felt ashamed of myself, I didn’t want to come back home and didn’t really want to kiss you or touch you!

It’s been 2 years, since you left and left your shadow looming behind. The shadow that engulfed me with a nothingness where I couldn’t see it was you who felt violated, shattered and unloved. It was you with those bruises, in your arms and invisible bruises on your soul. It was you whose soul and body went through the torture and not mine and still it was you who took all the nasty, demeaning questions while abiding by my growing disinterest and shame till one day you couldn’t take it any longer!

That legal notice came as a surprise and as a way to find liberation. However, I do not feel liberated and yesterday, I was thinking how it wasn’t your place to send that notice to me and how it should have been me, sending you the legal notice because it wasn’t me who was violated! It was then, suddenly after 2 long years, I felt ashamed of my thinking, my upbringing and my existence. I realized why you had left me and how my thinking needs to be liberated. It wasn’t that man that violated you, it was me too! I have violated your rights to be loved and to be respected and instead of being there and helping you being stronger I made your bruises bleed even more.

Hence, my dear, would you consider coming back to me to give me another chance to be a real human being? Would you allow me to become the person I always thought I was, so that I can face the mirror again?

Yours forever,

Thursday, February 02, 2017

The broken promise

The drizzle outside made him shiver a bit. While his cup of hot americano went cold, he couldn’t brush off the memories that were still running in his mind. Frowning at himself, he decided to go inside and finish reading the book, and brush aside his thoughts.

(10 years back)

“I like when you blush. Wish I could capture the moment!”
“It is captured in our hearts and we really don’t need a camera for that. Sometimes, in the future, whenever it rains, the smell of the wet soil will bring this moment back to us.”
“What if we are no more together then? Or we are together but in different cities?”
“we will always be together, whether in the same city or in a different one, in life or in memories, in one way or another. I will keep one movie ticket stub to myself and you will keep another. This will be our ticket to this moment”.
“You are crazy!”
“And ain't you madly in love with that part of mine?”
“Nope. I am with love with every bit of yours. You complete me”. Her giggle couldn't let him say anything after that.

(Present day)

While getting ready, he felt the mirror mocking at him. Introspect was something he never felt of doing but the sticky note on the wardrobe door, still pinches him. Is it too late? He asked himself looking at the mirror, only to get no answer back.

The long hours at office, the frequent touring, the passive love making, or his searching for bigger picture and illusive altitudes in career - he could never figure out what went wrong.

(1 month back)

He came back from office to an empty house and everything seemed normal as the food was ready on table and he went for shower. He saw the sticky note at night, “I miss not missing you. We thought we would become one, but instead we became yoU & I. And today, I decided to part ways.” Even before he could understand the situation fully, the phone rang, and it was his most important client.

(Present day)

The drizzle made him uncomfortable and the smell of wet soil was capturing his heart. The last one month he never really missed anything in his life and he knew that he can continue living this way. But, this anxiousness was unknown and new to him and he couldn’t figure out why, why something was not right and was pulling him back.
 It took him some time to remember where his old notebooks are. The drawer in the left side of the corner table, the movie ticket stub was kept carelessly in one faded green old notbook.

A line was written on the backside in tiny handwriting- “never let me go”.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

~Beyond the dreams~

Far away there's a mountain top
That feels the blue,
Atop the mountain is a place for me,
To stand and say, how much I love you!

Where no one can hear my screams,
No one knows, what's inside my dreams,
Where silence will guide my words,
To tell you, to bring my love forward.

My words get lost in the crowd,
Amidst the eyes and masks that hurt,
Invade the deepest darkest thoughts of my heart;

There's the lonely mountain far away,
I will look at its snow smeared peak and scream;
From the edge of my window, I'll cry;
My silence will be broken,
With the lonely sunset and it's pain.

And then,
Don't look for me here,
As, I will reborn from the pain and fear,
My life will flow in silence
With sunshine some days ;
And, at night moon will sing lullaby;
To make me dream again, someday.


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