Tuesday, May 09, 2017

The educated (?)



Dear beloved,

I know you don’t want to read much of what I have to say, but I still need you to read, if you can.
It was the second Friday of October, and quite humid. I was thinking of taking a shower together once you come back and then go out and do some pub hopping.

The doorbell rang and I thought it was you, standing there with a smile on your face and twinkle in your eyes.
Surprise! It was you but your eyes didn’t have that twinkle and there’s blood on your dress and bruises on your arms!

You looked like, coming straight out of a nightmare, or may be still living in it. I couldn’t bring myself to believe whatever you were saying, and my brain and heart both were in denial. I forgot how to react or how to be there for you.

I felt ashamed, of everything, of everyone, of myself. You saw and knew what was going on inside my mind and you smiled and tried to comfort me.

I saw you shievering under your breath whenever the breeze used to move the curtains suddenly. I saw how your eyes often lost colours whenever the doorbell rang in odd hours. I saw it all but felt nothing. I felt ashamed of myself, I didn’t want to come back home and didn’t really want to kiss you or touch you!

It’s been 2 years, since you left and left your shadow looming behind. The shadow that engulfed me with a nothingness where I couldn’t see it was you who felt violated, shattered and unloved. It was you with those bruises, in your arms and invisible bruises on your soul. It was you whose soul and body went through the torture and not mine and still it was you who took all the nasty, demeaning questions while abiding by my growing disinterest and shame till one day you couldn’t take it any longer!

That legal notice came as a surprise and as a way to find liberation. However, I do not feel liberated and yesterday, I was thinking how it wasn’t your place to send that notice to me and how it should have been me, sending you the legal notice because it wasn’t me who was violated! It was then, suddenly after 2 long years, I felt ashamed of my thinking, my upbringing and my existence. I realized why you had left me and how my thinking needs to be liberated. It wasn’t that man that violated you, it was me too! I have violated your rights to be loved and to be respected and instead of being there and helping you being stronger I made your bruises bleed even more.

Hence, my dear, would you consider coming back to me to give me another chance to be a real human being? Would you allow me to become the person I always thought I was, so that I can face the mirror again?

Yours forever,

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