HOMO- Sapiens

He heard his mom calling him again from downstairs. He knows everyone is expecting him in the hall but he couldn't move. He knows he needs to be there, after all it's his BIG DAY...His wedding..... He checked his mobile phone again. He couldn't delete the mail he just got. He closed his eyes.

                                                     ***************************

Hey sweets,

What’s up? I know you don’t want my messages or mails. I don’t know your number so this is the only way I have. I am not expecting a reply from you. I never intruded in your decisions and this time also I respect it. You know, there is that cute boy joined my office. I thought of taking him out for coffee but couldn’t approach. Saw your picture on Facebook on other day. Loved your t-shirt. Green suits you even though you hate it :-). Who was the girl with you? Is she the one you are dating now? You were surrounded by girls in some of the pictures. Never saw you like that so…… You know I almost cried... Well, No I did not. I am stronger than that.

After you left, I started working more. My event management company is now looking up. I know, you used to be the pragmatic one and I was always the emotional fool. And see, finally you made the fool of me. Never thought you will get married to any girl one day? Always thought, you could stand tall facing everything, every criticism on your way. Always thought, one day you will come back to surprise me again just like the old time…..

Saw your engagement pictures on Facebook, You were smiling. Were you? Really? How does it feel to be with a girl?

Don’t you miss me? Don’t you miss my hands playing with your hair. Don’t you miss our moments? Don’t you wear the blue shirt anymore? You look hot in that shirt, Always ;) ... Don’t you just wanna be with me? Would you call it off if I come in front of you on your wedding day?

Love.

P.S- Don’t worry. I am not coming. I still replay the moment we have shared. And also, I want to live again, collecting all the shattered pieces for that. Have a happy married life.

                                                     ***************************

He pressed the reply tab and then deleted it. He knows he has lost his love – the only love of his life forever. He couldn't be brave. He couldn't be a rebel. He accepted the fate his family decided for him. He accepted the girl they have chosen for him. He couldn't protest. He just couldn't gather his courage to do so......Because....

Homosexuality is still a crime.... 

Into the Vacuum

He was holding the postmortem report. Shocked!

                                                  -----***-----

“I think I have had enough. Every day I cannot take blame for everything. It is not what I have hoped for. If you lack forgiveness then no one can cure that. You are not God. Do not pretend to be that. Your mistakes are justified because you come up with tear jerking excuses? And I cannot?

Every day for last many years, I was trying. Trying for new things to make you happy, trying to forget myself at times to make you happy. Trying to forget my happiness to make YOU happy! It just never seemed enough.

It’s not the gifts, it’s not the trips, it’s not anything else but you- that killed me. Sorry if I sound selfish but no one has the rights to slow poison me for so long. I haven’t got my life from you. So, you have no right to make me feel like this every day.

Every day I wanted to find out warmth in your eyes. Every day I ended up becoming colder and colder. But you weren't satisfied yet. Sadist? Yes, I think you are a Sadist. No matter how much I try you will continue to magnify your problems and continue to cause and induce more pain in my life.

Acting. Pretending. I am tired of all these. All I wanted is a home. I ended up under the cloudy sky with no shades over my head. It was never a home. You never let me make it one. You will never let me do that.

I am not taking anything from you. Yes, I am taking few things I have kept my soul in. Because you don’t need my soul or anything that is really “mine”. I was in dilemma for last 5-6 weeks. But finally, I decided to not to leave any part of me behind.

Happiness is a state of mind. You never understood that.”

                                            ------***------

He got this mail from her 3 days back during a client meeting. The other news followed soon.

3 days ago-

The car was crashed badly. Hitting the rocky bottom after falling from 3000 ft mountain, one needs miracles to survive. Her luck was never that good. In that crushed car 3 books, 1 pen and her body was found. It looked like a bloody meat lump with some clothes on.

Present day,

He was standing with the post mortem report.

She never said that She was 6 weeks PREGNANT!

The Hospital corridor looked long and endless.

Painted Memories

The days of seeing yourself through someone else’s eye everyday…..

The days of feeling goosebumps with someone’s touch…..

The days of stealing few glances to your favorite person….

The days of anticipations….

-          Are the best days.

She saw herself like that every day...

She felt the sudden rush of blood whenever his name flashed on her mobile…

She spent hours to decide the outfit before meeting him…and then opted for the most easily available one from there…

He was her favorite person.

He was the perfect person- to her.

The tons of happiness he felt whenever she came to his sight….

The pinch of insecurity came along with that…

Her wondering eyes sometimes produced a strange pain inside his heart…

He knew her smell… He loved that…

Her lips made him many sleepless nights…

She was his favorite person…

Their wings got entangled with each other…

They traveled to the glittery and smoky pubs in Paris…

They traveled to each other's deepest darkest thoughts…

They scared each other…

They got scared of themselves…

They made love!

It was supposed to have a happily ever after!

He was looking at her picture!

That stabbing pain he felt again…

He closed that book and went back to reading the letter he recently got.

It was left in his favorite book that he couldn't check in last few years.

                                    ------------******-------------

It was more like a page from her personal diary than a letter.

He went through the words millions of times and still reading it.

"I never felt I could suddenly leave everything behind. I never felt anything wrong. That day when you started to fake that smile, I knew something was terribly wrong. I could almost see what’s there beneath the eyes. Even now I am in excruciating pain and I can see the anxiety in your eyes. I know you are wiping of the tears silently standing in the veranda so that you can come up with a smile in front of me. I am trying to have faith on your faith. But I want you to have faith in your belief. I cannot see that. Somehow I can feel the end, but I don’t want to. As I always used to say the journey of life is exhilarating, painful, definitely worthwhile and most definitely progressive. I have a feel that my journey is ending. You cannot hide the vacuum in your eyes through your smile. The way you clutch my hands during my sleep I know that touch. I still have belief in you. I don’t want you to lose the hope. Your hope and strength is my last resort. This might be the last page I am able to scribble on. I wanted this book from you so that I can read something while taking rest in this boring and dull sky blue hospital bed. They should make hospital more colorful you know. This shade of blue is boring and depressing. The pain is bothering me. Also, I know you will soon be here beside me once you finish talking to the doctor. Don’t know how long. Now I guess it does not matter whether I want to live or not. You must not forget to enjoy the exhilarating journey of life. As I always say, it is worth all the pain. If there is anything called afterlife most probably I will see you from there. Till then love yourself and don’t stop yourself from falling in love. With anything or anybody."

He shivered again. The scorching heat outside failed to provide him any warmth. He never failed anywhere. The pain of the biggest failure happened 6yrs back. He lost all hope. It was today he thought of rearranging the book shelf and suddenly touched the book he just kept there for last 6yrs untouched. He wanted to keep her touch sealed in that book. Today, this book suddenly played few scenes from the most painful memory of his. He decided to take a trip to the riverside to spend some time alone. 

                                                  --------********----------

Riverside never fails to make him connect with his sole. He once decided to not to bring the cigarettes there ever and he still follows that. The wet feeling in his toe suddenly bought him back to present. The cute little puppy said a lot with its round black eyes. He took it and then suddenly understood the meaning of love all over again. He took that cute little four legged creature home.

Beneath the cold eyes

I cannot see anything…..Why did you call me here in this dark and mysterious wood?

Your hands seem cold….Mine is sweating… I don’t understand you sometimes…

I am not fond of darkness, I get scared…

I thought you planned for a romantic outing…this was not what I imagined!

Well, I didn’t imagine anything… I could not. Every time you came in front, my imagination stopped right there…  All my fantasies came true.

The first time I saw you, in that white dress… you were struggling with your unmanageable hair... I felt jealous of the breeze… your eyes were hiding behind your waye hair and all I could see was your lips. I wanted to touch them with mine… But… You looked distant…and suddenly you smiled at me!

Looking at you does not give me peace now… It somehow stirs the passion inside me… every day I feel more attracted to you… but you seem to have some other plans in mind… and finally I can now see your face illuminated of the moonlight… your eyes are still and you seem to be confident about where we are going…

I am not feeling well, I am chilled from within. I need to smoke.

I wonder whether I have ever told you about my fear of darkness!!!
WHY DID you stop here now!! I thought we are supposed to go somewhere little illuminated… This is insane!! You know INSANE!!!

Where are you!!! You did you leave my hand!!! I cannot even hear the sound of your breathing! Its cold here and…and  I feel something even colder around my legs!!!! … it’s moving upward…

Where are you!!!

WHERE ARE YOU!!!

WH… …… …………

3JUSBFBB383A

Parallel Universe

Say we were in London...nah Paris...in a smokey n rugged pub...Tourists? ummm yeah...

You are sipping the beer and looking at it intently.. Then you looked at me.. What did you see? Nothing. Your concentration went back to the mug full of beer again.

That fat and oddly dressed lady is looking at you. She is drunk. Why are you giving her a distasteful look? Ohh, you are looking at that singer. Yeah, She is beautiful. She sings pretty well too. 

What is there in your beer that you seem so interested in it? I am sitting right in front of you. Looking at you. You did not even notice that.. Ohh, you did. What are you saying? what am I looking at? well, err... nothing..

I placed my hand on the table for quite some time..it was within your reach. Did you see that? So, you are now reaching at the cigarette. I think I need one too.

What are you looking at? My cigarette? or the glass of wine? Did you see this new one shoulder dress I'm wearing? My red lips? The blackish blue kohl in my eye? or, the beer still appeals to you more?

Aah, here comes the cold coffee and sandwich for you. How did I imagine this place as a smokey pub in Paris? well, all I can say is my imagination is better than your silence and helps to kill the time in a better way. Your food has arrived and with that the end of this bizarre post too.

End of a dream....and world!

…….And then I checked your mobile. Your inbox was empty.

I had to kill you.

I always feared that you would got hurt while cutting things with this knife. Now it seems handy for me to have my work done.

You made no sound.

The crimson liquid was getting soaked in the white bed sheet.

You still look beautiful.

Just an hour ago, when you were still sitting on my couch, sipping my glass of wine- I was looking at you.

I saw that spark in your eyes…I started undressing you… For the last time.

The luscious lips as always got all my attention- and other parts too.

I was searching in your body that you thought as exploring….

I was searching for a way to kill you… to free you from your burden…

I know you have made that call to them… they are coming to arrest me, to take me to unknown prisons.

I can hear their movement on the stairs now…2 more minutes…

You once said that you do not want to live after I die…

I fulfilled that wish… I freed you from that… I freed you from your consequences…

The footsteps are coming closer…

My time has come…

Click…click click… its EMPTY!!!! Where are the bullets??? Why did you hide them???? I need them…

The footsteps came to a halt….

KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!

“We know you are inside!!! Surrender yourself NOW!!! There is no way to escape from here…” 

~Canvas~

Muhurtora khoniker hoy
duhaat diye oder chepe dhor!
mutho bondi hole pore oder
chotjoldi framebondi kor!

Diyechilam muhurtoder jhaank
Tor chokhe tobu udaasinota;
Muhurtora hariye jachhe dekh;
Hariye jachhe tor amaar kotha!

Aye na abaar notun smriti gori,
Notun notun muhurto te bhora...
Shada kalo noy rongin canvas-e
Sukhi shundor muhurto-te amra!

~Niye chol Tara der desh e...~

Keno amar motoi holam,
keno holam na tor moto?
Podokhepe mile jeto mon
Miliye jeto somossyara joto.

Keno holam na tor moton
Keno bujhini tor betha?
Hoyto dhore rakhte partam
Aaj o thaakto haasi, kotha...

Keno mone pore
Keno sopne aasis tui?
Etogulo maas poreo
Toke je pashe chai...

Mone pore jay dingulo
Mone pore tor mukh...
Juddho kore klanto laage
Nei tor koler sukh...

Sesh kichudin ekla achi khub
Tui royechhis dur tarader deshe...
Juddho klanto amaay dekhte pele...
Bosbi ektu eshe amar pashe?

~chol harai~

Tor kotha shunbo

naki nijer kotha,

Bolto?

Aajke borong

hariye jai abaar,

Cholto.

Meghla akaash aaj

Brishti namuk,

Ojhore,

Bikel seshe

Vijbo jokhon dujone

Haat dhore.

Chupi chupi jokhon

hobo brishtisnato

Nirjone,

Jokhon raater kole

haarabo notun kore

Dujone.

~Kobita~

Hoyto vebechili sudhui shada pata,
Kichu ortho bihin hijibiji kata;
Jaanina hoyto fele diyechis
Hoyto hariye geche amaar kobita!

Jaanina tui vebechili kichu;
Naki sudhui kichu chhondoboddho lekha;
Toke lekha somosto byarthota
Koekta sei purono holud pata!

Sabar jonno ekechilam chhobi;
Tor jonno roilo, amaar byarthota!
Shada kalo moner ondhokare
Amaar aami-r chhondo bihin lekha!

Porte paarchhis to?

~okaron~

Mon tor kharap howa baron...
Chokher kone bristi namuk..
Kapuk thont jora...
Mon kharap laga okaron!

Mon tor kharap howa baron...
Je jai boluk...
Bidrup koruk...
Mon kharap thakai jibon!

~Moricheeka~

Ghorer baire rasta chhilo dui...

Ekta poth chhobir moton jeno...

Onno pothe dariye chhili tui!

Chhobir moton pothke bole "biday"

Onno pothe bariyechilam paa;

Pother baanke hariye gelam kothay!

Chokh jholsay jhilik dewa aaloy;

Manush gulo sudhui manush rupi....

Bhulbhulaiya, Bhul dharonar boloy!

Pother seshe sukher morichika...

Pothik aami pother khoje ghuri;

Poth ta jeno boroi aanka-baanka!

~Protichhobi~

Aaj onekdin por vebechilam
likhbo chhondobodhho;
boslam niye pen-khata
thik tokhoni mon-ta obadhho!
Kichhu chhera pataar smriti
Kichhu elomelo tukro din;
Shada kalor canvas korlo rongin!
Amaar thonte chhuye gelo tor thont
Haate roye gelo ushnotar poros;
Hothat venge gelo ghum
Dhulo dhuklo chokher kone!
Raater seshe notun kore shuru
Notun pothe nityonotun chola;
Ar notun notun sukher golpo bola.
Raat birete hothat ke jeno daake
Daak shune vaabi kono ochin pakhi?
Daakta tobuo bhishon rokom chena;
Hoyto aami nijei, hoyto khub ochena!
Aayena ta ottohasi haase
Amaar aami daariye mukhomukhi!
Protichhobi byango kore bole,
"Aaye dekhi tui thik kotota sukhi..."

~Barbonita~

Bolchhe swopno, bujte chokh
Mukhosh? Naki kutsit mukh?

Baastobete vir er majhe
Byasto sabai nijer kaaje...

Monta aatka goraad jaale
Hoyna kobita, shorir mile!

Tukro kagoj, dey biliye
Sosta shorir, jachhe khoye!

Ottohasi, udaas mukhe
Eito, dibbi aachhi sukhe!

~ogochhalo kheyal~

Kobitara elomelo....
Monkharaper chhoway
Mon ogochhalo!!

Sondhera baari jay
Raat pakhider danay
Sopno sundori sajay!

Rongin aalo
Rukhho, teebro bhishon;
Chokh dhadhalo!

Pashapasi haat
Osompurno..rikto..
adh khaoa coffee cup!

Urche Smriti...
Urche onuvuti edik sedik;
Urlo haway ushno priti!

~Agaami~

Ekta bikel hothat holo sesh
Hothat kore holo sopno vongo;
Haaste haaste haralo hasir karon
Jibon hothat khelna, tamasha-rongo!

Bhirer majhe hariyechilo amaar aami
Hajar mukher majhe boddo komdaami...
haarjiter khelay kistitei maat...
Stobdho amaar ochena agaami...


Chokher saamne chollo bio-scope
Smritira sab film hoye chole...
Bondho chokh, bondho kaan...
Tobu smritichinho ra kotha bole!


Khaader pare jibon jokhon sosta
Bhishon khudro nijer chokhe jokhon...
Pichhon firey dekhlo hothat mon...
Dariye chhilo amaar aponjon!

~Durotto~

Roshnai te dhadhiye chhilo chokh...

Bhirer majhe nijei chhilam ochena;

Camera bondi nanan mukher saari

Ochena sab mukher aanagona!

Tarporete hothat kore jokhon

Nirjhorer sopno holo churno...

Valobasar hariye gelo pran...

Holo coffin bondi soddojato sopno!

Haariye geche onuvuir shikor...

Joler hawa deyna sporsho tor....

Aaj haater faankai pore aache

onuvutira laagiyechhe aaj dor!

Firti pothe cholbena ar mon...

Notun pothe egiye cholte chay...

Nahoy thaakuk anguler faank khali

pother baanke apatoto bidaay!!

~Khonik Smriti~

Bolechhile....

tomar chokhe roder chhite laguk
tomar thonte laguk projapoti
tomar hasi jhorna dharay vanguk
vanguk tomar thomke jaoa goti...

Bolechhile......

tomar hate uthuk premer mala
tomar paye bajuk premer nupur;
tomar chhoyay jibon joyar asuk
namuk onuvutir bristi tapur tupur....

Tobu keno....

amaar shorir jure borof shitolota
amaar chokher joleo ovaab ushnotar!!
aaj sabar majhe beche thekeo jeno...
Chokh khulle sudhui ondhokaar!!

~Saap-siri~

Nijhum raate sopno dekha jay...
Surjaloke sotty ki ta hoy?
chokher sopno chokher konei sesh
Bastobete thakena taar resh.

Haaste haaste kanna rukhte chay...
Kaandte kaandte haaste sekha jaay?
Haasir shobdo kanna hoye jhore...jokhon
Chokher joler hiseb haway orey...

ektu adhtu chhilo hisheb baki
sedik thekeo khatay bishal faanki!!
gormilete millo na to mon
jog biyoge haralo aponjon...

haater faanke arekta haat mele...
haasi thatta bondhutter chhole;
Hothat kono jhorer paake pore
Se haat kachhe thekeo onek dure...

Jibon chokre saap siri te bondi
kothay shuru kothay hobe sondhi...
Jotil totte haariye gechhe mon...
Saap siri-te joriye jibon japon!