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~Lady in Black~

She could see them…

Making love and cozying up in each other’s arms.

Little did they know about the future and they did not worry.

She took a step forward.

Her black lacy dress felt like black clouds.

She saw their little puppy playing with the colorful ball.

She felt pity.

Pity isn't really her nature.

They looked through her.

Her fingers clenched.

Her eyes twinkled.

The puppy started barking.

The couple left the bed to see outside.

She knew this is the time…

She felt pity for the puppy.

But it is not the ideal time…

She has more important work to do…

Kill…

Her name is “Death”….

The unconscious!

What kind of a room is this??

I cannot see any door…

I do not even remember how have I ended here!!

Where is it??

Am I dead?

What happened to me??

The dim blue light is making me sick!

There is a small round table in the middle.

With a teapot and cup. Black.

Should I drink it?

I am thirsty.

I might already be dead!

Dead!!

Dead!!!

Am I??

NOO, I can’t be…

Let’s drink it…

There was a cricking sound I can hear…Some movement in front of me…

There is someone!!! No, Some people…

Aahhhh….ME!! all of them are me!!

I must be losing my sanity, these are just mirrors!!

Why am I in a mirrored room!!

I think the tea would make me feel good.

Am I dreaming!!!

How all my shadows are walking, dancing and looking at me??!!

I feel somebody!

Somebody behind!!

WHAT'S HAPPE…………………………………………!!!!

D.I.A.R.Y- Dear I’ll Always Remember You

You!!

Right in front of me!!

From the long lost memories!!!

The pages were burnt!!

The pages that I took the pain to burn off!!

The pages that were lost!!!

You!!

My diary!!

18!!!

The age to be vulnerable!!

The age to be immature!!

The age to love!!

The age to get the heart broken!!

Yes, 18!!!

I poured my heart out in you.

I cried in front of you!

I conspired with you!!

You saw…

You listened!!

You saw me killing myself!!

You said nothing!!

You were my secret!!

My sweet little secret!!

You were my friend!!

My trusted friend!!

And then you are right here in front of me!!

After so many years!!

Black, maroon, green and red!!

The pages, the secrets, the tears!!

Time to burn them all again!!

Bury them with all the words, hidden inside.

My Diary-

Dear I’ll Always Remember You!

Dark side

The room was dimly lit.

She couldn't see anything though.

Her hands were tied.

She felt dizzy. Confused.

The lizard from the ceiling was looking at her.

She was scared.

She had no idea, how did she end up there.

Her body was aching but she couldn't move.

Her legs were tied too.

She heard a sound and somebody entered the room.

The touch in her legs scared her.

She couldn't see the face.

Her legs are untied now and the hand between her legs made her feel sick.

She couldn't shout. Her lips felt sore.

She felt the disgusting touch in her whole body.

She wanted to die.

Death wasn't kind to her.

She got gang raped.

                                                *************************

In another world,

People said, the girl was too modern and character less and must have eloped.

Her would be groom smiled that no one noticed.

A whole family committed suicide.

They lost their daughter 2 days before her marriage.

She was gang raped.

Backside...

Leaving the country was tough… he thought!

He couldn't stop frowning…4 yrs back he felt sad of leaving…

Now, he felt like an outsider…

The sweaty feel, the bumpy road, the cacophony and everything in the public bus was testing his patience…

The laptop bag was slipping from his shoulder again with another jerk and he decided to leave the midway and take a cab….

The journey from the middle of the bus to the doorway seemed never ending!

He was swearing silently just when he saw her….

He knew that floral print…

He knew that curly hair…

He knew…he felt he just knew.

He stopped!!

He watched her from behind, talking over the phone…

He heard her saying his name to somebody…

HIS NAME!!! What the…….

He took a step forward…and another one…

She got up, managing her floral kurta…

And he saw her face!!

It wasn’t her…

He took the step back…and smiled!!

It was never her…

Not now, not 4 yrs back…never…ever…
That known pang in the chest...But....

With that pang in the heart…the crowded bus suddenly felt comfortable…

Side effects of being a "She"

She was raped!!!

Multiple times- every day…

Nobody was there to listen…

Nobody was there to even complain…

Every day- every night- she stared

She stared to the ceiling…While her body felt the touch of another person

Touching her privates, pinching her, slapping her…

Her tears dried up…

Her clenched fist got harder on the bed sheet…

Her soul screamed!!

Her soul died a thousand times each time the other person entered her…rocked her…

She wanted to finish her studies…

She couldn’t…

And today she couldn’t take it more…

She ran away….

Just…to be gang raped!!

Her fault?? – She was born with vagina and boobs….

She is a “Girl”…

And she was also a Prostitute….

So, she shouldn't have any privacy of her…

She was not a girl…

She was a Prostitute….

Just a Prostitute…

Places to go before I sleep...

Say we were in Paris, in a smoky café.

 Loud music playing in the background, and a sexy singer on the stage.

You are sipping your whiskey and I am my red wine.
The red one shoulder dress of mine is similar to the color of the wine.
My red lipstick and smoky eyes are looking at you.

We are sitting just at the opposite of each other, I changed my legs. More skin show.

You opted for another peg.
Are you looking at my legs now?

My deep neck and my red lipsticks- they are looking for your attention…

Are we talking less, we should talk more then…

I hold your hand that was placed on the table…

“Let’s go out, let’s take a walk and enjoy the beauty of Seine…. Will you?”

The dream came to a sudden halt with a jerk…ouch…

Ohh, where are we??

It looks like Rio de Janeiro!!!

“girl, we are not in Paris, We are in Brazil!!

This is Copacabana beach, and the way you are getting sun tanned I want to make love to you now!"
But....

You seem distant.

You are looking at the water, but not actually seeing it.

Your red bikini and brown hair- I want you forever!

Let’s take a bath- a cozy and romantic bath…

Will ya??

Nah, let me take you to another place.

Close your eyes!!!

Open it now!!!

Is it…is it London??

Yeah, IT IS HARD ROCK CAFÉ!!

It’s noisy and crowded!!

I cannot see your eyes!!

You seem a little too corporate and formal!

The Martini in your hand….

The little black dress of yours…

No…

I cannot differentiate…

Is it you or somebody else!!
Another Swirl…..

A clear and windy day…

"Hey boy, I’m sure you like it now."

Far from the crowded café we are now in Prague.

This is the beautiful Golden lane.

Won’t you enter the Prague castle now?

This is just the place where you and I could stay forever…

Real forever….

Aaahhh… Another jerk….

Where are we now ?

Ssshhh….

Look at the messy people,

Their dirty cloths,

Their loud make up…

The polluted air…

The beautiful river…

The large white dome of GPO…

The warmth of people…

Let me kiss you…

Aahh, we cannot do that publicly…

Let us take a boat ride on the river Ganges…

We are in Kolkata!!

The questionnaire

I love walking alone…

It helps…

Every day I go back I see you, chained…

Chained with your baggage, chained with your memories…

Those black and snaky memories….

They look at me…

They make the hiss and shot me the dirty look… I hear…

1. Who do you think we are?

2. Who do you think you are?

3. Who is it that is chained with us?

I feel puzzled…

I don’t know where I am…

Everything is swirling…

I feel the cold snake skin against my skin…

I shivered…

4. Do we look scary?

5. Would you come to us?

6. Do you love us or hate us?

I struggle, unable to make any sound!!

I struggle hard to keep the memories away.

They keep coming closer.

The hissing sound is deafening now.

7. Going back, isn’t what you want?

8. Are you scared of looking forward?

9. Don’t you like the feel of coldness that we give to you?

10. Look at us, won’t you?

I struggle…and I struggle more to break the chain...

I manage to look up…

Aah, it was just a dream..

A bad dream, just like all the locked up poisonous memories.

There is no questionnaire of life…

I am looking forward….  Unchained and Free!

Secret Lullaby

My hands are shaking.

I should avoid offering you any beverage.

Why did you come here? How did you get my address?

For years I have waited just for you.

You never showed up.

My life became a complete mess.

It’s been two decades. And you are here.

I can see your lips moving.

I cannot hear anything.

You are saying something.

Oh, water. You need water.

I should offer you something with that.

Your fingers touched mine.

No, I don’t remember the first touch anymore.

It’s been more than 25 years now.

That silver streak in your forehead is saying a lot.

I saw your book. I never bought it.

You look pale.

You need not apologize.

I lack mercy. You know that.

I am being normal. You are being smarter.

I don’t like smart asses.

I like snakes.

I have many, in my store room.

Their hissing sound makes the perfect lullaby for me. 

I feed them.

I feed them in the hope that one day you will show up.

Today, is the day…..

“Would you like to have some “flavored” tea??…aah, just as I thought. Let me make it for you then. You will love it.”.

HOMO- Sapiens

He heard his mom calling him again from downstairs. He knows everyone is expecting him in the hall but he couldn't move. He knows he needs to be there, after all it's his BIG DAY...His wedding..... He checked his mobile phone again. He couldn't delete the mail he just got. He closed his eyes.

                                                     ***************************

Hey sweets,

What’s up? I know you don’t want my messages or mails. I don’t know your number so this is the only way I have. I am not expecting a reply from you. I never intruded in your decisions and this time also I respect it. You know, there is that cute boy joined my office. I thought of taking him out for coffee but couldn’t approach. Saw your picture on Facebook on other day. Loved your t-shirt. Green suits you even though you hate it :-). Who was the girl with you? Is she the one you are dating now? You were surrounded by girls in some of the pictures. Never saw you like that so…… You know I almost cried... Well, No I did not. I am stronger than that.

After you left, I started working more. My event management company is now looking up. I know, you used to be the pragmatic one and I was always the emotional fool. And see, finally you made the fool of me. Never thought you will get married to any girl one day? Always thought, you could stand tall facing everything, every criticism on your way. Always thought, one day you will come back to surprise me again just like the old time…..

Saw your engagement pictures on Facebook, You were smiling. Were you? Really? How does it feel to be with a girl?

Don’t you miss me? Don’t you miss my hands playing with your hair. Don’t you miss our moments? Don’t you wear the blue shirt anymore? You look hot in that shirt, Always ;) ... Don’t you just wanna be with me? Would you call it off if I come in front of you on your wedding day?

Love.

P.S- Don’t worry. I am not coming. I still replay the moment we have shared. And also, I want to live again, collecting all the shattered pieces for that. Have a happy married life.

                                                     ***************************

He pressed the reply tab and then deleted it. He knows he has lost his love – the only love of his life forever. He couldn't be brave. He couldn't be a rebel. He accepted the fate his family decided for him. He accepted the girl they have chosen for him. He couldn't protest. He just couldn't gather his courage to do so......Because....

Homosexuality is still a crime.... 

Into the Vacuum

He was holding the postmortem report. Shocked!

                                                  -----***-----

“I think I have had enough. Every day I cannot take blame for everything. It is not what I have hoped for. If you lack forgiveness then no one can cure that. You are not God. Do not pretend to be that. Your mistakes are justified because you come up with tear jerking excuses? And I cannot?

Every day for last many years, I was trying. Trying for new things to make you happy, trying to forget myself at times to make you happy. Trying to forget my happiness to make YOU happy! It just never seemed enough.

It’s not the gifts, it’s not the trips, it’s not anything else but you- that killed me. Sorry if I sound selfish but no one has the rights to slow poison me for so long. I haven’t got my life from you. So, you have no right to make me feel like this every day.

Every day I wanted to find out warmth in your eyes. Every day I ended up becoming colder and colder. But you weren't satisfied yet. Sadist? Yes, I think you are a Sadist. No matter how much I try you will continue to magnify your problems and continue to cause and induce more pain in my life.

Acting. Pretending. I am tired of all these. All I wanted is a home. I ended up under the cloudy sky with no shades over my head. It was never a home. You never let me make it one. You will never let me do that.

I am not taking anything from you. Yes, I am taking few things I have kept my soul in. Because you don’t need my soul or anything that is really “mine”. I was in dilemma for last 5-6 weeks. But finally, I decided to not to leave any part of me behind.

Happiness is a state of mind. You never understood that.”

                                            ------***------

He got this mail from her 3 days back during a client meeting. The other news followed soon.

3 days ago-

The car was crashed badly. Hitting the rocky bottom after falling from 3000 ft mountain, one needs miracles to survive. Her luck was never that good. In that crushed car 3 books, 1 pen and her body was found. It looked like a bloody meat lump with some clothes on.

Present day,

He was standing with the post mortem report.

She never said that She was 6 weeks PREGNANT!

The Hospital corridor looked long and endless.

Painted Memories

The days of seeing yourself through someone else’s eye everyday…..

The days of feeling goosebumps with someone’s touch…..

The days of stealing few glances to your favorite person….

The days of anticipations….

-          Are the best days.

She saw herself like that every day...

She felt the sudden rush of blood whenever his name flashed on her mobile…

She spent hours to decide the outfit before meeting him…and then opted for the most easily available one from there…

He was her favorite person.

He was the perfect person- to her.

The tons of happiness he felt whenever she came to his sight….

The pinch of insecurity came along with that…

Her wondering eyes sometimes produced a strange pain inside his heart…

He knew her smell… He loved that…

Her lips made him many sleepless nights…

She was his favorite person…

Their wings got entangled with each other…

They traveled to the glittery and smoky pubs in Paris…

They traveled to each other's deepest darkest thoughts…

They scared each other…

They got scared of themselves…

They made love!

It was supposed to have a happily ever after!

He was looking at her picture!

That stabbing pain he felt again…

He closed that book and went back to reading the letter he recently got.

It was left in his favorite book that he couldn't check in last few years.

                                    ------------******-------------

It was more like a page from her personal diary than a letter.

He went through the words millions of times and still reading it.

"I never felt I could suddenly leave everything behind. I never felt anything wrong. That day when you started to fake that smile, I knew something was terribly wrong. I could almost see what’s there beneath the eyes. Even now I am in excruciating pain and I can see the anxiety in your eyes. I know you are wiping of the tears silently standing in the veranda so that you can come up with a smile in front of me. I am trying to have faith on your faith. But I want you to have faith in your belief. I cannot see that. Somehow I can feel the end, but I don’t want to. As I always used to say the journey of life is exhilarating, painful, definitely worthwhile and most definitely progressive. I have a feel that my journey is ending. You cannot hide the vacuum in your eyes through your smile. The way you clutch my hands during my sleep I know that touch. I still have belief in you. I don’t want you to lose the hope. Your hope and strength is my last resort. This might be the last page I am able to scribble on. I wanted this book from you so that I can read something while taking rest in this boring and dull sky blue hospital bed. They should make hospital more colorful you know. This shade of blue is boring and depressing. The pain is bothering me. Also, I know you will soon be here beside me once you finish talking to the doctor. Don’t know how long. Now I guess it does not matter whether I want to live or not. You must not forget to enjoy the exhilarating journey of life. As I always say, it is worth all the pain. If there is anything called afterlife most probably I will see you from there. Till then love yourself and don’t stop yourself from falling in love. With anything or anybody."

He shivered again. The scorching heat outside failed to provide him any warmth. He never failed anywhere. The pain of the biggest failure happened 6yrs back. He lost all hope. It was today he thought of rearranging the book shelf and suddenly touched the book he just kept there for last 6yrs untouched. He wanted to keep her touch sealed in that book. Today, this book suddenly played few scenes from the most painful memory of his. He decided to take a trip to the riverside to spend some time alone. 

                                                  --------********----------

Riverside never fails to make him connect with his sole. He once decided to not to bring the cigarettes there ever and he still follows that. The wet feeling in his toe suddenly bought him back to present. The cute little puppy said a lot with its round black eyes. He took it and then suddenly understood the meaning of love all over again. He took that cute little four legged creature home.

Beneath the cold eyes

I cannot see anything…..Why did you call me here in this dark and mysterious wood?

Your hands seem cold….Mine is sweating… I don’t understand you sometimes…

I am not fond of darkness, I get scared…

I thought you planned for a romantic outing…this was not what I imagined!

Well, I didn’t imagine anything… I could not. Every time you came in front, my imagination stopped right there…  All my fantasies came true.

The first time I saw you, in that white dress… you were struggling with your unmanageable hair... I felt jealous of the breeze… your eyes were hiding behind your waye hair and all I could see was your lips. I wanted to touch them with mine… But… You looked distant…and suddenly you smiled at me!

Looking at you does not give me peace now… It somehow stirs the passion inside me… every day I feel more attracted to you… but you seem to have some other plans in mind… and finally I can now see your face illuminated of the moonlight… your eyes are still and you seem to be confident about where we are going…

I am not feeling well, I am chilled from within. I need to smoke.

I wonder whether I have ever told you about my fear of darkness!!!
WHY DID you stop here now!! I thought we are supposed to go somewhere little illuminated… This is insane!! You know INSANE!!!

Where are you!!! You did you leave my hand!!! I cannot even hear the sound of your breathing! Its cold here and…and  I feel something even colder around my legs!!!! … it’s moving upward…

Where are you!!!

WHERE ARE YOU!!!

WH… …… …………

3JUSBFBB383A

Parallel Universe

Say we were in London...nah Paris...in a smokey n rugged pub...Tourists? ummm yeah...

You are sipping the beer and looking at it intently.. Then you looked at me.. What did you see? Nothing. Your concentration went back to the mug full of beer again.

That fat and oddly dressed lady is looking at you. She is drunk. Why are you giving her a distasteful look? Ohh, you are looking at that singer. Yeah, She is beautiful. She sings pretty well too. 

What is there in your beer that you seem so interested in it? I am sitting right in front of you. Looking at you. You did not even notice that.. Ohh, you did. What are you saying? what am I looking at? well, err... nothing..

I placed my hand on the table for quite some time..it was within your reach. Did you see that? So, you are now reaching at the cigarette. I think I need one too.

What are you looking at? My cigarette? or the glass of wine? Did you see this new one shoulder dress I'm wearing? My red lips? The blackish blue kohl in my eye? or, the beer still appeals to you more?

Aah, here comes the cold coffee and sandwich for you. How did I imagine this place as a smokey pub in Paris? well, all I can say is my imagination is better than your silence and helps to kill the time in a better way. Your food has arrived and with that the end of this bizarre post too.

End of a dream....and world!

…….And then I checked your mobile. Your inbox was empty.

I had to kill you.

I always feared that you would got hurt while cutting things with this knife. Now it seems handy for me to have my work done.

You made no sound.

The crimson liquid was getting soaked in the white bed sheet.

You still look beautiful.

Just an hour ago, when you were still sitting on my couch, sipping my glass of wine- I was looking at you.

I saw that spark in your eyes…I started undressing you… For the last time.

The luscious lips as always got all my attention- and other parts too.

I was searching in your body that you thought as exploring….

I was searching for a way to kill you… to free you from your burden…

I know you have made that call to them… they are coming to arrest me, to take me to unknown prisons.

I can hear their movement on the stairs now…2 more minutes…

You once said that you do not want to live after I die…

I fulfilled that wish… I freed you from that… I freed you from your consequences…

The footsteps are coming closer…

My time has come…

Click…click click… its EMPTY!!!! Where are the bullets??? Why did you hide them???? I need them…

The footsteps came to a halt….

KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!

“We know you are inside!!! Surrender yourself NOW!!! There is no way to escape from here…” 

~Canvas~

Muhurtora khoniker hoy
duhaat diye oder chepe dhor!
mutho bondi hole pore oder
chotjoldi framebondi kor!

Diyechilam muhurtoder jhaank
Tor chokhe tobu udaasinota;
Muhurtora hariye jachhe dekh;
Hariye jachhe tor amaar kotha!

Aye na abaar notun smriti gori,
Notun notun muhurto te bhora...
Shada kalo noy rongin canvas-e
Sukhi shundor muhurto-te amra!

~Niye chol Tara der desh e...~

Keno amar motoi holam,
keno holam na tor moto?
Podokhepe mile jeto mon
Miliye jeto somossyara joto.

Keno holam na tor moton
Keno bujhini tor betha?
Hoyto dhore rakhte partam
Aaj o thaakto haasi, kotha...

Keno mone pore
Keno sopne aasis tui?
Etogulo maas poreo
Toke je pashe chai...

Mone pore jay dingulo
Mone pore tor mukh...
Juddho kore klanto laage
Nei tor koler sukh...

Sesh kichudin ekla achi khub
Tui royechhis dur tarader deshe...
Juddho klanto amaay dekhte pele...
Bosbi ektu eshe amar pashe?

~chol harai~

Tor kotha shunbo

naki nijer kotha,

Bolto?

Aajke borong

hariye jai abaar,

Cholto.

Meghla akaash aaj

Brishti namuk,

Ojhore,

Bikel seshe

Vijbo jokhon dujone

Haat dhore.

Chupi chupi jokhon

hobo brishtisnato

Nirjone,

Jokhon raater kole

haarabo notun kore

Dujone.