From the Diary- Quarantined- Part V

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”― J.R.R. Tolkien

What Tolkien said holds much truth, but I am still asking the question. I am seeing the spiritual quotes and all the wise advises everywhere. I was consoling myself and to be honest I am trying to enjoy the quarantine. I can't say I am not okay. I am, in fact, more than okay with social- distancing. However, I am not okay with not having a life outside my home and its 4 walls. I am not okay about living on throwback photos. I am not okay about having anxiety and panic, most of the time.

The sky is azure, the cherry trees are blossoming. I wish my mind could reflect those colors. The economic reports are depressing. The updates and posts everywhere are just showing how helpless we humans are. Is this the collective Karma of all humankind? I don't know. To be honest, I am least interested in spirituality.

So, in short, I am feeling quite screwed. Frustrated. Angry. Period.

Sorry, Mr. Tolkien, if I don't agree with your beautiful words here.

From the Diary- Quarantined - Part IV

Quarantine! Lockdown! COVID19!

She turned the volume of her headphone up! It was bursting in her ears, but she needed to stop that sound. It was as if she was trying to stop her thoughts with the sounds.

A tear rolled down, she chose to ignore. She could just stop and rest but she needs the pumping heart to defeat the thoughts. She needs to feel tired, to fall asleep at night!

A cherry tree! She looked at it and realized the sky is azure and beautiful today. She stopped, a cherry blossom dropped, and then a few. She stood there, in silence.

From the diary- Quarantined- Part III

33rd day. Never really thought that a month could feel this long. First couple of weeks were difficult, now, not so much. In fact, I could introspect so much during this.

I realized, I don’t mind social distancing. Perks of being an introvert, I would say. I realized, I was becoming empty emotionally, by providing a certain support to a lot of people and when during the initial days of lockdown, I wanted some friends and family badly, hardly, any of those people were there. No hard feelings but Lesson learnt.

I realized, how much I actually love traveling. The long planned canceled trip broke me in a way that I was on the verge of crying more than once.

I had panic attacks so frequently, that I almost went back to a time, when I first learnt what panic attacks are. I realized, I was worried about not having a kid, and what would happen, if I don’t survive this pandemic. Silly, I know, but thoughts are thoughts, right?

Nightmares! I had zombies, pirates and what not in my dreams! I started listening to sleep therapy music and on some nights, nothing really works.

Nature, to my surprise, helped me keep going! The Spring colors, cherry blossom, they are casting magic spells on me and pushing me to hold on... for one more moment, for one more day and so on... 

From the Diary- Quarantined Part II

30th Day in Lock down. Well, honestly, I had to go out to the supermarket, weekly once. Also, I went for jogging in the nearby park, because, I could not deal with the anxiety and panic that was building up inside me. Spring is here and the sky as well as the trees are looking pretty and colorful. I click couple of pics whenever I go to the park and somehow, that has been my driving force.

Cooking was another thing that I indulged into massively these past few weeks. Well, as a food blogger, cooking has always been my favorite in-house activity. However, I don't always get as much time as I am getting now. So, I kinda tried to balance out all those missing times. It's been therapeutic and helped me in some days.

My sleep quality is not good. I am unable to study as much as I should and I can feel that I am losing the grip from whatever I have learned before the pandemic started. I hate it.

We all had plans before the Pandemic came crushing down, on all of us, globally. I was heart-broken after my long awaited road trip got cancelled. I had plans following that trip, life plans. Now, those life plans have also got postponed, indefinitely. Whole life seems to be a topsy-turvy.

Additionally, I feel more distant from people now. I don't like people talking like "know-it-alls" over the video conferences and whatsapps. I feel, some people are either too stupid or too wise. However, when I am looking carefully, I don't see any empaths around. Empathy is rare, and in last 1 month of Quarantine, I could feel it even more. 

More alone than ever? Umm, may be. Stronger, than ever? Of course. A bit Stranger too? Yeah, may be, I will never look at like the same way, I used to. I will not take it for granted. I will be careful about planning my future. COVID-19 has been a learning lesson, at a very personal level.

From the Diary- Quarantined

So, how many days have passed? It’s been 27th day in self-isolation. A strange neck pin (stress) has become a constant companion in last 1 month or so. COVID19 has been the darkest shadow the modern world has ever faced.

I am regretting all those time I wanted some excitement, alien invasion, zombie attack, war like situation in my lifetime. Trust me, I’ll not talk about these things till my last day. This Coronavirus crisis is a cocktail of all those. After watching The Walking dead for 7 long seasons and other zombie movies, I am sure about my zombie-killing skill. Alas, that skill is useless in this crisis. 

After spending 26 days (at least 12 more days to go) in self-isolation, a lot of introspection happened. I realized, how I don’t feel the need for conversations that don’t connect with me. I just started feeling a strange disconnect with a lot of people. Things I have ignored happily earlier, I am not able to do anymore. I am anxious, frequently. I am experiencing panic attacks almost weekly nowadays, and it is not easy to handle them.

May be, that’s why, I am wishing for some heart-to-heart conversations. A simple, how am I doing or what am I thinking about post Coronavirus days or what’s my future planning, or any such questions would be interesting. What series to watch on Netflix or such things are not something I am really enjoying. Irony, most conversations revolve around Netflix series and such.... why can’t people just sit, drink coffee/tea, look at each other and ask things that matter? I am tired of people assuming things about me, which are basically about them. I, for a change, really need some attention, but I guess, that’s just too much to ask.... it’s a patriarchal world, with or without COVID19.